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chaletianSo, where was I?
Friday
(d) Setting up
So, we managed to get to Heron’s Lodge (by some strange miracle of temporal dynamics, a couple of minutes before Kathye and Katherine, who had been heading back to the car when we left Bletchley, so heaven only knows where they went), and started setting up. I organised bits of paper. Other people did actual things. The Tesco man came (OMG WITHOUT ICE CREAM WHAT WAS THAT EVEN ABOUT?) and gave us food. People started arriving. Stuff probably happened that I can’t remember. I discovered that the tiny, tiny shiny laptop and its USB modem worked perfectly well (woo).
(e) Evening entertainment
There was ricotta and spinach lasagne (yummy mcyum – as ever, food was a bit of a highlight, because Katherine and Nicola and minions etc are MADE OF KITCHEN WIN) and then some wine and possibly a degree of silliness so by the time Katie, Pim, Kate and Kirsty rocked up we were quite giddy and playing impertinent questions. We forced Katie to judge the CS dustjackets (Kathye and I made good use of a Desperate Housewives picture to create “The Chalet Matrons Come Up Trumps” which was a work of art though tragically did not win). There was more giddiness. People laughed at me BECAUSE THEY ARE MEAN. Kathryn and I attempted the medium su doku and were doing INCREDIBLY WELL INDEED until it all went hideously and traumatically wrong and we had Phil Graves in about sixty places at once which apparently is not the idea behind su doku.. Helen drank about a pint and a half of pink wine and we had hysterics. We showed Katie her little nest in the corner of the room. She did not get a bed. Or a mattress. Or enough space to actually lie down. But hey. (I was noble AND OFFERED MY OWN BED, which she did not accept and I must admit that is probably as well because I am whiny and whingy and like having a bed.)
Saturday
(a) Waking up quite early
I woke up, if not early objectively speaking, then at least early enough to do the prep I needed for the morning activity. Our room was in fact A TOTAL SAUNA on account of the heating being on all night so we basically DIED. I faffed with tiny cardboard knickers (decorated by Nadine at work) and tiny cardboard vests (also decorated by Nadine at work) and beautiful cardboard gentian blue dresses (made by me at work), and then had a shower, got dressed in my beautiful new Monsoon dress that I bought for Kathye’s birthday party on Saturday and dried my hair. Then Katie brought me juice, which was as well because I was about to die of thirst. We went out (it was a lovely morning) to hide many, many items of tiny cardboard clothing, which was fun.
(b) Becoming a Real Chalet Girl
This was my tiny brainchild, and I think it went off OK. I added my truly absurd subfusc to my dress in imitation of Miss Annersley. Helen was Joey (in a green cardigan, earphones and pearls, complete with Bruno (courtesy of Heather) and lemon biscuits (courtesy of Kathryn)), Katherine was Slutty Matron, and Katie was Miss Dene (with one of my tweed skirts safety-pinned about her), and between us we guided the teams (Pollyanna, Anne, Jo and Katy) through the Chalet School, via inventory checks, working out their timetables, a tasty bit of Latin translation (ah, Belimicus, how tragic was your end…), having tea at Freudesheim, and other such lovely japes. Mostly went according to plan. Occasionally not.
Katy Carr: We think this would be a good idea for a Sale.
Miss Annersley: Lovely, my dears, lovely.
Jo March: We are missing pieces from our puzzle.
Miss Annersley: Well, make do. Back to you, Katy…
Miss Dene: Miss Annersley!! Jo March are missing HALF THEIR PUZZLE.
Miss Annersley: Oh.
Jo March: We just got shafted by Miss Annersley. Also, she failed to mark our prep on account of being blind and stupid.
Miss Annersley: Have my mortar board to make up for it.
Jo March: That is pathetic. But thanks. We will dress up as a dominatrix in it.
Miss Annersley: Ah, happy memories.
(c) Lunch
We had some lunch. It was soup. Vee nice. I had a giant bowl.
(d) Rest hour
Or, technically, rest two hours, and for me personally it was in fact Tesco two hours. As people wandered off to knit, chat, ramble and SET FIRE TO THE COUNTRYSIDE (according to taste), Katie, Helen and I nipped off with Heather to visit the giant Tesco to “buy some bread and marmalade for the gather” though blatantly our ulterior motive was in fact “go shopping in the giant Tesco and buy a load of crap”.
Me, Helen & Heather: OMG! Super cheap recipe books! Let’s buy dozens!
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Me: I want this!
Me: [puts t-shirt in trolley]
Me: I want this!
Me: [puts earrings in trolley]
Me: I want this!
Me: [puts blouse in trolley]
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Helen: I like this bag.
Me: It looks very tacky.
Helen: OK.
Me: I like these shoes.
Heather: They look very tacky.
Me: I LOVE TESCO!!!!
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Helen: I want a million DVDs.
Helen: [puts a million DVDs in the trolley]
Me & Heather: We want books! Also, if we buy them together, we will save 72p! Tesco rocks!
Me & Heather: [put books in trolley]
Me: Kitchen aisle! I love the kitchen aisle! Can I justify the purchase of more cake tins?
Katie: No.
Me: OK. Can I buy more mixing bowls?
Katie: No.
Me: OK. Can I buy more knives?
Katie: If you must.
Me: [puts knives in the trolley]
Me: And I want a new frying pan so I can make pancakes again.
Me: [puts frying pan in the trolley]
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Everyone: [goes down the travelator]
Heather: I want crisps.
Heather: [puts crisps in the trolley]
Me: I want chocolate.
Me: [gets distracted and fails to do anything about it]
Katie: I have a short and organised list of food which we have been asked to get.
Katie: [puts food in trolley]
Helen: [disappears]
Heather: Helen has disappeared.
Katie: Hmm. This is true.
Me: Let’s drive off and leave her behind.
Katie & Heather: OK.
Katie: [pushes trolley]
Check-out lady: You have spent £2.91 on sensible items.
Katie: I know. Here you go.
Check-out lady: You have spent a ridiculous amount of money on a lot of tat.
Me: But things are pretty and I can make pancakes and it’s a Katie Fforde book.
Check-out lady: These are undeniable facts. Here, let me give you a bag.
Check-out lady: [provides a bag]
Bag: [falls apart]
Check-out lady: Maybe I will give you another bag.
Check-out lady: [provides a second bag]
Second Bag: [is not made of fail and retains bag shape]
Helen: [appears]
Helen: I cannot use a toilet.
Me, Katie & Heather: We do not know this crazy lady.
Helen: I found a Cath Kidston bag.
Me, Katie & Heather: She is our best friend.
Helen & Heather: [go to look at Cath Kidston bags]
Helen & Heather: [come back]
Heather: They do not have the one I want. I am disillusioned by Tesco and will never return.
Me: We shall depart this place.
Me, Katie, Helen & Heather: [spend about an hour trying to depart, due to complicated roundabout system]
Satnav: Ha! I am useless! Also, if you use me whilst driving, YOU MAY DIE.
Helen: [repeats the satnav]
More to come…
Friday
(d) Setting up
So, we managed to get to Heron’s Lodge (by some strange miracle of temporal dynamics, a couple of minutes before Kathye and Katherine, who had been heading back to the car when we left Bletchley, so heaven only knows where they went), and started setting up. I organised bits of paper. Other people did actual things. The Tesco man came (OMG WITHOUT ICE CREAM WHAT WAS THAT EVEN ABOUT?) and gave us food. People started arriving. Stuff probably happened that I can’t remember. I discovered that the tiny, tiny shiny laptop and its USB modem worked perfectly well (woo).
(e) Evening entertainment
There was ricotta and spinach lasagne (yummy mcyum – as ever, food was a bit of a highlight, because Katherine and Nicola and minions etc are MADE OF KITCHEN WIN) and then some wine and possibly a degree of silliness so by the time Katie, Pim, Kate and Kirsty rocked up we were quite giddy and playing impertinent questions. We forced Katie to judge the CS dustjackets (Kathye and I made good use of a Desperate Housewives picture to create “The Chalet Matrons Come Up Trumps” which was a work of art though tragically did not win). There was more giddiness. People laughed at me BECAUSE THEY ARE MEAN. Kathryn and I attempted the medium su doku and were doing INCREDIBLY WELL INDEED until it all went hideously and traumatically wrong and we had Phil Graves in about sixty places at once which apparently is not the idea behind su doku.. Helen drank about a pint and a half of pink wine and we had hysterics. We showed Katie her little nest in the corner of the room. She did not get a bed. Or a mattress. Or enough space to actually lie down. But hey. (I was noble AND OFFERED MY OWN BED, which she did not accept and I must admit that is probably as well because I am whiny and whingy and like having a bed.)
Saturday
(a) Waking up quite early
I woke up, if not early objectively speaking, then at least early enough to do the prep I needed for the morning activity. Our room was in fact A TOTAL SAUNA on account of the heating being on all night so we basically DIED. I faffed with tiny cardboard knickers (decorated by Nadine at work) and tiny cardboard vests (also decorated by Nadine at work) and beautiful cardboard gentian blue dresses (made by me at work), and then had a shower, got dressed in my beautiful new Monsoon dress that I bought for Kathye’s birthday party on Saturday and dried my hair. Then Katie brought me juice, which was as well because I was about to die of thirst. We went out (it was a lovely morning) to hide many, many items of tiny cardboard clothing, which was fun.
(b) Becoming a Real Chalet Girl
This was my tiny brainchild, and I think it went off OK. I added my truly absurd subfusc to my dress in imitation of Miss Annersley. Helen was Joey (in a green cardigan, earphones and pearls, complete with Bruno (courtesy of Heather) and lemon biscuits (courtesy of Kathryn)), Katherine was Slutty Matron, and Katie was Miss Dene (with one of my tweed skirts safety-pinned about her), and between us we guided the teams (Pollyanna, Anne, Jo and Katy) through the Chalet School, via inventory checks, working out their timetables, a tasty bit of Latin translation (ah, Belimicus, how tragic was your end…), having tea at Freudesheim, and other such lovely japes. Mostly went according to plan. Occasionally not.
Katy Carr: We think this would be a good idea for a Sale.
Miss Annersley: Lovely, my dears, lovely.
Jo March: We are missing pieces from our puzzle.
Miss Annersley: Well, make do. Back to you, Katy…
Miss Dene: Miss Annersley!! Jo March are missing HALF THEIR PUZZLE.
Miss Annersley: Oh.
Jo March: We just got shafted by Miss Annersley. Also, she failed to mark our prep on account of being blind and stupid.
Miss Annersley: Have my mortar board to make up for it.
Jo March: That is pathetic. But thanks. We will dress up as a dominatrix in it.
Miss Annersley: Ah, happy memories.
(c) Lunch
We had some lunch. It was soup. Vee nice. I had a giant bowl.
(d) Rest hour
Or, technically, rest two hours, and for me personally it was in fact Tesco two hours. As people wandered off to knit, chat, ramble and SET FIRE TO THE COUNTRYSIDE (according to taste), Katie, Helen and I nipped off with Heather to visit the giant Tesco to “buy some bread and marmalade for the gather” though blatantly our ulterior motive was in fact “go shopping in the giant Tesco and buy a load of crap”.
Me, Helen & Heather: OMG! Super cheap recipe books! Let’s buy dozens!
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Me: I want this!
Me: [puts t-shirt in trolley]
Me: I want this!
Me: [puts earrings in trolley]
Me: I want this!
Me: [puts blouse in trolley]
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Helen: I like this bag.
Me: It looks very tacky.
Helen: OK.
Me: I like these shoes.
Heather: They look very tacky.
Me: I LOVE TESCO!!!!
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Helen: I want a million DVDs.
Helen: [puts a million DVDs in the trolley]
Me & Heather: We want books! Also, if we buy them together, we will save 72p! Tesco rocks!
Me & Heather: [put books in trolley]
Me: Kitchen aisle! I love the kitchen aisle! Can I justify the purchase of more cake tins?
Katie: No.
Me: OK. Can I buy more mixing bowls?
Katie: No.
Me: OK. Can I buy more knives?
Katie: If you must.
Me: [puts knives in the trolley]
Me: And I want a new frying pan so I can make pancakes again.
Me: [puts frying pan in the trolley]
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Everyone: [goes down the travelator]
Heather: I want crisps.
Heather: [puts crisps in the trolley]
Me: I want chocolate.
Me: [gets distracted and fails to do anything about it]
Katie: I have a short and organised list of food which we have been asked to get.
Katie: [puts food in trolley]
Helen: [disappears]
Heather: Helen has disappeared.
Katie: Hmm. This is true.
Me: Let’s drive off and leave her behind.
Katie & Heather: OK.
Katie: [pushes trolley]
Check-out lady: You have spent £2.91 on sensible items.
Katie: I know. Here you go.
Check-out lady: You have spent a ridiculous amount of money on a lot of tat.
Me: But things are pretty and I can make pancakes and it’s a Katie Fforde book.
Check-out lady: These are undeniable facts. Here, let me give you a bag.
Check-out lady: [provides a bag]
Bag: [falls apart]
Check-out lady: Maybe I will give you another bag.
Check-out lady: [provides a second bag]
Second Bag: [is not made of fail and retains bag shape]
Helen: [appears]
Helen: I cannot use a toilet.
Me, Katie & Heather: We do not know this crazy lady.
Helen: I found a Cath Kidston bag.
Me, Katie & Heather: She is our best friend.
Helen & Heather: [go to look at Cath Kidston bags]
Helen & Heather: [come back]
Heather: They do not have the one I want. I am disillusioned by Tesco and will never return.
Me: We shall depart this place.
Me, Katie, Helen & Heather: [spend about an hour trying to depart, due to complicated roundabout system]
Satnav: Ha! I am useless! Also, if you use me whilst driving, YOU MAY DIE.
Helen: [repeats the satnav]
More to come…
