"Don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me…"

Well, golly gee. Have emerged from the other end of the Spring Gather 2009. Woo. I shall now proceed to tell you all about it. Look excited. You know this is going to be a tiny treat.

Friday

(a) Thursday

Well, actually, Thursday evening: Darren came round to collect me and my luggage, Katie’s luggage (well, if a rucksack and sleeping bag can really constitute ‘luggage’) and FIFTY MILLION BOXES OF GATHER CRAP. Returned to chez King, and faffed around quite a bit making door signs (beauteous) and the like. Went to bed.

(b) Bletchley Park

On Friday, we faffed some more and then, once Katherine had arrived, set off for Bletchley Park (where we met Heather and Helen), which was vee interesting apart from the part where we ended up tacked onto the special IBM tour which was filled with slightly strange men in anoraks. Also, I fail at museums, because I hate audioguides, and reading signs and any kind of information. I just like to look (and touch, where possible) and go ooh. Not very educational, but certainly enjoyable. Also, there was a mock up of a 1940s kitchen/living room AND IT HAD A TINY BE-RO BOOK IN IT!!! Awesome. Bought a tiny bit of tat in the gift shop (oh, and spent too much on a very mediocre chilli con carne in the restaurant). Saw the Colossus machine, with a very interesting man talking about it (OK, so real live people talking information at me I can handle), and as with anything to do with the War, I went around feeling a little glow of pride about being British etc.

(c) Fetching Nicola

Towards the end, we managed to lose Kathye and Katherine, get bored, and ended up hanging out in Heather’s car. Then we realised it was time to fetch Nicola from the station. I present an artistic interpretation of the events that followed:

Helen: OMG! Nicola! Let’s go now!!
Me & Heather: Nicola doesn’t even arrive for half an hour.
Helen: Oh.
Helen: OMG! Let’s go now!
Me: The station is literally three minutes away. WE ARE NOT GOING NOW.
Helen: Can we go now?
Me & Heather: Yes, fine, we will go now.
[Three minutes later]
Me: See. Station.
Helen & Heather: Yeah. That’s Bletchley station.
Me: Why, yes, yes it is. Is that not right?
Heather: No, we need Milton Keynes station.
Me: Oh.
Helen: HA HA HA HA!!
Heather: How do we get to Milton Keynes station?
Me & Helen: [look blankly]
Heather: I have satnav!
Helen: I repeat everything the satnav says!
Me: [thinks “ha ha Helen is Tawny Madison” but sadly does not think H or H will appreciate this and says nothing; tells Katie later and she understands and laughs]
Satnav: If you use me while driving, YOU MAY DIE!!! Are you OK with this?
Helen: We are absolutely OK with that, Satnav. You may proceed to direct us to Milton Keynes station.
Satnav: Drive 0.2 miles and turn left.
Heather: Ha! I have already done that. Fail, Satnav!
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the first exit.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the second exit.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the third exit.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the first exit.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the second exit.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the third exit.
Me: Does anyone actually know where we are?
Heather: No.
Helen: I’m just repeating everything the satnav says.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the first exit.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the second exit.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the third exit.
Me, Helen & Heather: Milton Keynes sucks.
Me: If we’re even in Milton Keynes.
Helen: I have no idea where we are.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the first exit.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the second exit.
Satnav: At the roundabout, take the third exit.
Heather: Ooh! Station!
Me: Ooh! Nicola!
Helen: Ooh! There’s a restaurant that looks like a chocolate box!
Heather: Now, how do we get to Heron’s Lodge?
Me & Helen: We have no knowledge about anything.
Helen: I repeat everything the satnav says. That is my job.
Nicola: [is competent]

(d) More Gatheriness

Um, I’m bored now. More later…

"Don't go walking in Lovers Lane with anyone else but me..."

So, where was I?

Friday

(d) Setting up

So, we managed to get to Heron’s Lodge (by some strange miracle of temporal dynamics, a couple of minutes before Kathye and Katherine, who had been heading back to the car when we left Bletchley, so heaven only knows where they went), and started setting up. I organised bits of paper. Other people did actual things. The Tesco man came (OMG WITHOUT ICE CREAM WHAT WAS THAT EVEN ABOUT?) and gave us food. People started arriving. Stuff probably happened that I can’t remember. I discovered that the tiny, tiny shiny laptop and its USB modem worked perfectly well (woo).

(e) Evening entertainment

There was ricotta and spinach lasagne (yummy mcyum – as ever, food was a bit of a highlight, because Katherine and Nicola and minions etc are MADE OF KITCHEN WIN) and then some wine and possibly a degree of silliness so by the time Katie, Pim, Kate and Kirsty rocked up we were quite giddy and playing impertinent questions. We forced Katie to judge the CS dustjackets (Kathye and I made good use of a Desperate Housewives picture to create “The Chalet Matrons Come Up Trumps” which was a work of art though tragically did not win). There was more giddiness. People laughed at me BECAUSE THEY ARE MEAN. Kathryn and I attempted the medium su doku and were doing INCREDIBLY WELL INDEED until it all went hideously and traumatically wrong and we had Phil Graves in about sixty places at once which apparently is not the idea behind su doku.. Helen drank about a pint and a half of pink wine and we had hysterics. We showed Katie her little nest in the corner of the room. She did not get a bed. Or a mattress. Or enough space to actually lie down. But hey. (I was noble AND OFFERED MY OWN BED, which she did not accept and I must admit that is probably as well because I am whiny and whingy and like having a bed.)

Saturday

(a) Waking up quite early

I woke up, if not early objectively speaking, then at least early enough to do the prep I needed for the morning activity. Our room was in fact A TOTAL SAUNA on account of the heating being on all night so we basically DIED. I faffed with tiny cardboard knickers (decorated by Nadine at work) and tiny cardboard vests (also decorated by Nadine at work) and beautiful cardboard gentian blue dresses (made by me at work), and then had a shower, got dressed in my beautiful new Monsoon dress that I bought for Kathye’s birthday party on Saturday and dried my hair. Then Katie brought me juice, which was as well because I was about to die of thirst. We went out (it was a lovely morning) to hide many, many items of tiny cardboard clothing, which was fun.

(b) Becoming a Real Chalet Girl

This was my tiny brainchild, and I think it went off OK. I added my truly absurd subfusc to my dress in imitation of Miss Annersley. Helen was Joey (in a green cardigan, earphones and pearls, complete with Bruno (courtesy of Heather) and lemon biscuits (courtesy of Kathryn)), Katherine was Slutty Matron, and Katie was Miss Dene (with one of my tweed skirts safety-pinned about her), and between us we guided the teams (Pollyanna, Anne, Jo and Katy) through the Chalet School, via inventory checks, working out their timetables, a tasty bit of Latin translation (ah, Belimicus, how tragic was your end…), having tea at Freudesheim, and other such lovely japes. Mostly went according to plan. Occasionally not.

Katy Carr: We think this would be a good idea for a Sale.
Miss Annersley: Lovely, my dears, lovely.
Jo March: We are missing pieces from our puzzle.
Miss Annersley: Well, make do. Back to you, Katy…
Miss Dene: Miss Annersley!! Jo March are missing HALF THEIR PUZZLE.
Miss Annersley: Oh.
Jo March: We just got shafted by Miss Annersley. Also, she failed to mark our prep on account of being blind and stupid.
Miss Annersley: Have my mortar board to make up for it.
Jo March: That is pathetic. But thanks. We will dress up as a dominatrix in it.
Miss Annersley: Ah, happy memories.

(c) Lunch

We had some lunch. It was soup. Vee nice. I had a giant bowl.

(d) Rest hour

Or, technically, rest two hours, and for me personally it was in fact Tesco two hours. As people wandered off to knit, chat, ramble and SET FIRE TO THE COUNTRYSIDE (according to taste), Katie, Helen and I nipped off with Heather to visit the giant Tesco to “buy some bread and marmalade for the gather” though blatantly our ulterior motive was in fact “go shopping in the giant Tesco and buy a load of crap”.

Me, Helen & Heather: OMG! Super cheap recipe books! Let’s buy dozens!
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Me: I want this!
Me: [puts t-shirt in trolley]
Me: I want this!
Me: [puts earrings in trolley]
Me: I want this!
Me: [puts blouse in trolley]
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Helen: I like this bag.
Me: It looks very tacky.
Helen: OK.
Me: I like these shoes.
Heather: They look very tacky.
Me: I LOVE TESCO!!!!
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Helen: I want a million DVDs.
Helen: [puts a million DVDs in the trolley]
Me & Heather: We want books! Also, if we buy them together, we will save 72p! Tesco rocks!
Me & Heather: [put books in trolley]
Me: Kitchen aisle! I love the kitchen aisle! Can I justify the purchase of more cake tins?
Katie: No.
Me: OK. Can I buy more mixing bowls?
Katie: No.
Me: OK. Can I buy more knives?
Katie: If you must.
Me: [puts knives in the trolley]
Me: And I want a new frying pan so I can make pancakes again.
Me: [puts frying pan in the trolley]
Katie: [pushes the trolley]
Everyone: [goes down the travelator]
Heather: I want crisps.
Heather: [puts crisps in the trolley]
Me: I want chocolate.
Me: [gets distracted and fails to do anything about it]
Katie: I have a short and organised list of food which we have been asked to get.
Katie: [puts food in trolley]
Helen: [disappears]
Heather: Helen has disappeared.
Katie: Hmm. This is true.
Me: Let’s drive off and leave her behind.
Katie & Heather: OK.
Katie: [pushes trolley]
Check-out lady: You have spent £2.91 on sensible items.
Katie: I know. Here you go.
Check-out lady: You have spent a ridiculous amount of money on a lot of tat.
Me: But things are pretty and I can make pancakes and it’s a Katie Fforde book.
Check-out lady: These are undeniable facts. Here, let me give you a bag.
Check-out lady: [provides a bag]
Bag: [falls apart]
Check-out lady: Maybe I will give you another bag.
Check-out lady: [provides a second bag]
Second Bag: [is not made of fail and retains bag shape]
Helen: [appears]
Helen: I cannot use a toilet.
Me, Katie & Heather: We do not know this crazy lady.
Helen: I found a Cath Kidston bag.
Me, Katie & Heather: She is our best friend.
Helen & Heather: [go to look at Cath Kidston bags]
Helen & Heather: [come back]
Heather: They do not have the one I want. I am disillusioned by Tesco and will never return.
Me: We shall depart this place.
Me, Katie, Helen & Heather: [spend about an hour trying to depart, due to complicated roundabout system]
Satnav: Ha! I am useless! Also, if you use me whilst driving, YOU MAY DIE.
Helen: [repeats the satnav]


More to come…

"Don't hold anyone on your knee, you'd better be true to me..."

Saturday (contd)

(f) Afternoon Craftiness

We got back just in time to start the afternoon’s activity (creating costumes and scenery for skits), which I SKIVED ENTIRELY due to nervous exhaustion from organising stuff (I am not a natural organiser (as if people hadn’t noticed)). Helen and I went upstairs and ate petits filous whilst spying on people from the window overlooking the hall, which was highly entertaining. Rosie joined us briefly on her voyage to scavenge foliage. There was much giggling. Helen and I, both being THE WORLD’S HUGEST DRAMA QUEENS, should in fact repel each other utterly, but it seems to work OK. After that, we wandered around a bit, and eventually made our way to the Gentian dormitory where Katie was having a little sleepy, and we lay around and watched Bones and were generally idle and snoozy until dinner time beckoned.

(g) Evening Larking

Dinner was to be interleaved the plays (dinner theatre, alive and well in Milton Keynes). Tables were arranged in a suitable fashion and we bagsied one IN AN INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING DISPLAY OF THIRTEEN YEAR OLD BEHAVIOUR for which I am suitably shamed.

{i} Why did old girls stop sending their daughters to the CS?
Dominatrices at the Chalet School: whips, neon pink net and Pim prancing around with a multi-purpose red beard. It were beautiful.

{ii} Lady Acetylene Lampe
Home to the best scenery ever, which we STOLE and are planning to put up behind the front door at FT. Seriously, it’s gorgeous. Plus, Heather’s St Bernard got a work-out…

{iii} The torrid affair of Miss Annersley and Commander Christie…
This was a tiny bit hilarious (as indicated by the fact they won). Katherine (in a Naval uniform and beard) and Rosie (in the ubiquitous mortar board) whispered sweet nothings in a comedy restaurant, with some inspired silent film-esque narration. How we all laughed, though I’m not aware of anyone weeping gently or sliding off their chair.

{iv} What did Captain Carrick do to make India too hot for him?
Kill Reepicheep, apparently. Puppets and Beth being genius on the organ. It was fabulous, and produced Captain Carrick.

(h) Captain Carrick, and Other Unauthorised Evening Larkings

The most important thing to understand about the rest of the evening is that Kathryn had brought along a bottle of vodka, which our table proceeded to drink in its entirety during the course of the evening. We played Katherine’s Eustacia game (beautifully crafted but slightly confusing once we’d had alcohol) and then moved on to some more impertinent questions (my hair featured heavily, as is only right and proper, as did Helen’s and my respective rights to be considered the queens of drama, not to mention the likelihood of Katherine and Helen having some kind of sapphic cupboard experience, given Helen’s propensity for walking in on naked people), then Captain Carrick joined our merry throng and, being the black sheep that he is, proceeded to wreak havoc in our hearts. We had a bit of tongue action because he loves me best. Helen (WHO IS NOT IN ANYWAY A QUALIFIED COLORECTAL SURGEON) chopped off his bottom and we then abused him as a wine… well a wine-hider, basically.

(i) Helen’s near-death experience

Then Helen CHOKED NIGH UNTO DEATH on water or vodka or life or something, so that was quite funny.

Helen: I am choking nigh unto death on water or vodka or life or something.
Everyone: [ignores]
Helen: [chokes]
Me: Um.
Helen: [chokes]
Me: Are you OK?
Helen: [chokes]
Helen: [flees]
Everyone: [ignores]
Me: [is worried]
Me: Did the satnav choke?

(j) The rest of the evening

We drank more wine and chatted and then Helen and I (being geniuses) made a beautiful sign for Katie that said “Nobody puts The Katie in the corner…” which is funny BECAUSE IT’S A LIE. Kathryn dried it with her hairdryer, and we pinned it up IN HER CORNER. (That was irony.) Probably more stuff happened. We all wound up in Gentian and chatted more and then I very much suspect I fell asleep. This is the end of Saturday.


Still got Sunday to go, but the end is in sight…